Not Again

I broke the wall, hammered and
All the dust and layers came flying
Apart and with it my heart was
Plunged into cool ice water, beating

 

Until it faltered and stopped entirely,
Fire inside me burning like a thousand
Suns, I thought I was done with people
Trying not to be people anymore, with
Skewed hinges on the doors, tied noose
Knots and creaking floorboards as mothers
Discover hanging bodies, the war against
Ourselves still wages on, you will never

 

Be the kind of person that I want, the
Confidante, the friend, the keeper of
Secrets until the end, maybe I built it all
Up in my head, the character of rebellion

 

And ten, nine, eight…the numbers stretch
On and I don’t know where I have gone in
The darkest patches and hours and songs
Rising like laments, end it, can I end it?

 

I went.

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Blood-ties

Our blood is unique, the
Way we speak and old
Memories aligning for us
To reminisce, we were

Blessed to be born within
Mere years, share lessons
And tears and screaming
Fights, the ‘buts’, ‘ifs’, ‘maybes’

Might cross lines but everything
Is forgiven in time, born of the
Same mother we wouldn’t
Trade another for the sun

And together we dance under
The lights of the moon, adulthood
Comes to soon and visits are like
Stepping stones, jagged and

Interrupted, clutching onto
Hours once cupped in our tiny
Hands, sandcastles get washed
Away by the shoreline we stand

A row of well-fed misfits, sunscreen
And dipping toes to whiter seas,
Goodbyes crossing lips too easily
But you will always be family.

Constellation

I hear murmured voices
Down the tunnel of life
Mother and child discussing
The finer things to living, quality

And identity, her mother is my
Mother, the barer of my life yet
She has never stricken the match
To one of these conversations in

My presence, I am valued for my
Position, the third in line, the one
To inherit lineage when there is
No one left to share it with, I am

Valued for my value and never for
My words, my destiny was never
Written in the stars and meddling
With fate, I knew, came with great

Consequence so when I made that
Decision to write my name in the
Stars I should have taken evidence
Of my unscarred body before it

Inevitably fell apart, and every
Time I raise my voice it is lost in
The motion of this home, siblings
Dropping loads as they come and

Go and I, I pick them up and hoist
Them high over my shoulder so that
God might see I am trying to take
Knowledge from their experience

And grant me some of my own, it
Is years before I discovery God does
Not exist and was merely the well
Wishing of the afraid, now I am

Godless and afraid, I’d rather have
My faith as a safety net then be free
Falling, spiraling towards the inevitability
Death, as a child I was always terrified

He would scoop me up in his arms
When I wasn’t looking, now I know
His true torture is watching these
Conversations, hearing the speeches

And having contribution skyrocketed
On fireworks, a single thought before
Dissipating into the sky, striking down
My lonely star.

The Happiness Chronicle: Table Talks

Under the silence of the moon20151207_170112 (3)
Words shuffle towards us,
Reminiscing, too soon,
Of memories that must be

Touched upon, it’s been too
Long, since we sat together
And filled the quiet with cackle
And breath, spilling truths until

There is nothing left and we
Gently rock back into the space
Separating us from the faith
We once carried that each one

Of us would one day be married
And joyful, reality is much more
Daunting and severe and now
Meetings are scheduled a few

Times a year to ensure heritage
Is not lost in the waves of reality
Battering our hope and dreams
We offer planks and advice and

Relive the vice of anothers pain
And ensure they will not relive
Past mistakes, we are shaped
Differently now, some at ships

Bow and others on the dock,
Waving white flags as the boat
Sets off into the battering sea
Losing sight and fundamentally

Realising such is life, and too
Soon we separate in the night
Until a later date we have
Decided to come together
To man the boat, no matter
The weather.

The Happiness Chronicle: Free

Scuttling shoes on these new20151207_170112 (3)
Pavements of independence
He carries a briefcase full of
Ideas by his side, swinging and

Rattling with the enthusiasm of
A hundred dreams, they told him
He’d never reach the corner, now
He’s six cities deep in self-discovery

And achieving realities others told
Him had died, it’s no surprise they
Tried to weigh him down with self
Doubts that don’t exist otherwise,

His parents and siblings all surmised
Under one category of ‘I don’t think
You can do it’ now they’re rocking
On armchairs, he’s rocketing to the

Moon, too soon, words he’s heard
Before and chosen to ignore because
Destiny has this fine finesse of coming
Back together again even after its been

Torn to shreds, his only regrets in life
Are making mountains out of molehills
And killing inspiration when it reared
Its beautiful head, his bed is made from

Cotton and gives warm hugs, an embrace
He’s unfamiliar with growing old in cold
Houses, when he left his footsteps got
A little more personality and the possibilities

Became an endless road not yet traveled,
He’s on day 1095, singing his favourite
Song, feeling the pride of this moment
Deep in his soul, and he knows that he’s
Reached it, his lifetime goal of happiness.

The Saddened Chroncile:Soldiers Love

My reflection is not what it was20151207_165649 (2)
Age lines and battle scars ridge
My face, the brace before war
Has torn me apart and the pieces
I collected don’t fit together anymore

The subject is sore, skirted eyes and
Fearful tones, ignoring letting go of
Who you knew, you hide the truth
Behind layers of denial neatly wrapped
In that beautiful smile, conversation

Doesn’t flow easily, all down to the
Version of me that returned to your
Arms, I am brittle, barbed wire embrace,
Soft hugs replaced by the bitterness of
Reality, yet still you cling hopefully, the

Jigsaw pieces that were lost has caused
Frost to fragment across my heart, I don’t
Know how to start peeling your love from
My bones when I’ve already let yours go,
Shedding my skin for necessity, I know,

You will never forgive me for this, I resist
Drawing the line, giving you time to see
How everything has changed, there is no
One to blame but myself, you put caution
On a shelf and it hazes the glass, antagonizing

Me to ask how much longer this can go on,
These con’s out ways the pro’s and this new
Low was reached through terrors beyond
Candle lit dinners and confessions of love,
Tough luck rains like old penny’s, clattering

To the floor, I stand by the door waiting for
Your air of surprise, I can’t take the lies, this
Is not a disguise, this is who I am, the mirror
Image of all the violence, filled to the brim,
I cannot forgive you for dragging the corpse

Of our life, prolonging the pain and I stick
The knife in your back, wounded you still
Try to retract my explanations, hold me
Close and drown out the vibrations of bullets
In my head, I put me to rest on the plane

Ride home, left alone on the battlefield, reeling
In panic and fear, and you, my dear, will never
Understand, I withdraw my hand and step
Out under street light, you persevere, fight
Reasons with belief and feelings, try to stop

Me from leaving until I take the chain from
Around throat, throw it away and like a boat
Out of water you still, shocked, but to me, this
Is just a drill, designed to save the only life I
Know how to save, this is how I repay their

Loss, and suitcase in hand I walk and don’t stop
Until I am sure the radius of us has expired,
I sit on street corner, overwhelmed and tired
Read the tattoos of names sketched on my soul
Now blackened and burned, singeing like coal

The Saddened Chronicle: H A P P Y

There is a H A P P Y smeared across20151207_165649 (2)
Your face, glued on with tape and
You dare not touch it with trembling
Hands, it’s the only mask you’ve ever

Known you can ask for, you’ve never
Been introduced to the ideals of
Weakness, never known broken bones
And sleepless nights are not alright,

And holding tightly onto problems
Will only make them grow, you don’t
Know what the words on your lips
Mean, only seeing L O V E spelled on

The television screen in the dark hours
Of dusk, this house is covered in rust
And deep seeded regret, your mother
Projecting things she never had and

Scoping your soul for imperfections
So she can ensure to mention them
Over the silence of last suppers and
And covers that are covered in mites

You light fires to chase darkness away
But the shadows have a way of preying
On your form, your skin the colour of
Purple, the more you argue, the more

Colour is spilled, the only smile you’ve
Seen are ones killed in liquor and blues
Or drawn clumsily, faces on the news,
Your best friend spews stories of tragedy

Wondering if you disappeared, what
Would happen to family, and reality,
Sinks in when they bring your father
Home after months away, and your

Mother doesn’t want to stay where
He is anymore and you’re nestled under
Doorways while the rain cascades down
Trapped under arches, endless frowns

Everywhere you look and a stranger
Books you into a crowded shelter,
You lose your belt at the reception
And you don’t understand why there

Are little children playing with toys,
And crying to their parents and feeling
The joy of being embraced, you want
To race from the room when that lady

Asks if you are ok, never hearing that
Question before today, not knowing
What response won’t dub you with
Blame, resting on mattresses near

The clinically insane and a clean sheet,
Freshly breathing over your shoulders,
Moulding to your wispy scarecrow bones,
Just basking in the moment of not
Being so alone