Never Ending

I am afraid to close my eyes and
Wake to the same sunrise so I don’t
Sleep, I force the waves of drowsiness away
In hopes that I can make it another day, and

Repeat it day in, day out, in a monotonous tone
Most days I want to be left alone, because
While everyone is out there, beyond windows reach
I’m always here trying to preach myself the word of

Reason but it is too late, failure and failure causes my
Heart to break and I feel it in my bones, in my very soul
An emptiness has grown from the repetition of dream and
Delete, wake and repeat, holding fledglings in my hands

Only to watch them die, every time, and no one understands,
The how are you texts are a harsh reminder of that, I am not
Ok, there’s been no such thing as a good day for as long as I
Can remember, as long as the sleep deprivation allows,

And I want to bow out of this sinking ship but the nails
Caught the fabric of my existence and hold me just above
The water line spurting out water just like “I’m fine” and
I want to scream at my kin for not realising their horrible

Mistake of choosing three over two, driving stake after
Stake into my cold dead heart trying to restart a love for
Life that the plague has stolen, it should be possible to be
This broken apart, and the very second the suns rays peak

It restarts and I am tired of this game, forcing air down my
Lungs so there is no blame to be handed around, if you loved
Me you would not let me drown day after terrible day, night
After terrible night, year after terrible year, the waterworks

Have rusted, there are no tears anymore, there is nothing
But an eerie echo inside and a silent husk from when happiness
Died, and I do not live for myself anymore, I live for the people
Who ignore my agony simply so they do not feel guilty in my

Absence, I would give everything to escape this, but for now
All I have is the reassurance of the moon, for the next few
Hours before clear doom sets in in this pen, and I wake,
Breathe in, and face it all, all over again

Hold On

Hold my hand but don’t ever let go
I’m terrified of being alone in this
Prevailing darkness, fingers interlocked
Like lock and key being separate is an
Impossibility but I am afraid, you do not

Need me, and will find a hand equal in
Measure to mine, but I will not survive,
These demons will swoop in and carry me
Off to towers too tall to be saved from and
I don’t want a Prince Charming to rescue me

I want this, with you, serenity I have never had
Before, and I have unhinged the door to my heart
To reveal the damage and self-inflicted parts of
Pain, but you bordered up my mistakes and repainted
The room, made glass from dreams of losing you

Sharp and deadly like my minds worst gears, rust
Covered for years now, but your lifeline pulled me
Back in from the edge and you deserve the best but
We both know I am not capable of giving that, the fear
Clamps down and I cannot move or breathe until

Once again you free me, take my hand and gravitate
Everything, the moon and sun to this solar system,
The planet when taken will most definitely be missed
And there is knowledge and facts you utter in silence
But irrationality keeps me blind to them

Your grip so reassuring cuts off my blood and it’s a
Paradox because without you it would not pump through
These damaged veins, you promise you will never go away
And this choke-hold is evidence, one and the same, I return
The gesture and promise not to blame you if you go

And we walk too slowly for the oncoming train, the wheels
Groan and frame breaks, having you here shapes my faith
As we stand on the tracks, outlined by metal bars, I can’t
Believe we’ve got this far and finally you affirm your hold
and that’s when I know you’d never let go

Paint Me

Paint the memories in my head
So I won’t forget what it feels like
To be happy, the laughter catching on
The breeze and dancing in the sun, I’m
The only one who can’t see it anymore
Hopes and dreams have dashed my sight
In their downfall and tonight is another
Reflection on everything I have given up,
My heart, my soul, my life, all handed on a
Silver platter but no gods were appeased and
Instead they punished me, allowing me to
Hold my existence in my hands yet never draw
It close, I am tired of the run, the constant drum
Of feet on this ‘journey’ shouting and screaming
For something to kill me so I’d have a good enough
Excuse to lie in the dark for the rest of eternity,
And paint the sunset, the curtains have been drawn
Too long for me to remember it, and paint my friends,
By my side instead of miles away having the time of
Their lives in my absence, this abyss is only growing
Stronger and fondness dwindles and dies, I am not
Surprised that my efforts have surmounted to pain
I have worked like a machine and there is no one to
Blame for being born irregular, though I wish I’d
Never been born at all, that the blood pumping through
My veins wasn’t a poison, and paint orange and yellow
Hues, colours of happiness I’m not used to them anymore,
I forget the shade and tone, there’s only blue and blue alone
Makes me sea sick, the brink of insanity has cracked and
Crumbled and down the rabbit hole I tumbled but there’s
No guide to this monstrosity, only monsters and demons
Tearing parts of me and devouring them whole, paint home
The smell of lavender from the garden and the stillness of
The trees, the cat stretched alongside the bustling bumblebees
But most of all can you paint me, please, and when you paint
Me, paint me happy

All Clear

Locked and loaded, thumb on clasp
Waiting for the explosion, this is the final
Task set forwards to me by the prophets,
The grenade sits comfortably in my hands
Through way streets and daylight, invisible
To all who pass, just another task, do not let go,
I’ve been holding on so long I don’t realise the
Weight anymore, my hand cramping, sore has
Been removed from my vocabulary, and daily pain
Turns to weekly gain once the time has passed by,

Strangers smile weakly and jostling elbows cannot
Sway my hold, four years old to the day, this ugly
Baby birthed inside of me now held like a robin, light
And delicate in my hands, no one sees it because no
One asks the right questions, and tentatively I go through
The plan once more in my head, to avoid needless causalities
To the public, one handed with trembling force I cut the ropes
And tendrils fall neatly to the floors and I am alone in low lit
Alleyways, and finally I lift my thumb and wait for the oncoming
Boom but I’ve spoken too soon and the grenade falls, clanks,
Clatters and remains shatterproof, and a realisation resounds

The things that kill us don’t make a sound

The Wrong Fit

Dull flickering lights
A halo on the ceiling
Separate reality and

If distance were measured
In sound filled screams
A hesitant whisper

Fills the void of
Future and present
Unattainable and unimaginable

The wars waged
The numerous times a
Women stood at doorstep
Waiting, patiently, impatient

Children would not still
For fear of petrification
And being stuck in the mud

The noiseless footsteps
And clambering of hands
From banner to step
A four cornered flag

Billows solemnly its
Waves ripping the silence
Tearing their hearts

This is what they stood for
His size 5 shoes

Lost and Found

I lost it, a long time ago so how am I supposed
To know what it looks like, mine was always dull
Anyways, I’m sure that it’s not the same as yours
You describe it so lovingly, like a treasure deep at sea

But I never signed up to be a diver, it must be nice to
Miss it so, my gears and peddles suited me fine until
You reminded me of mine, a grand adventure, we’ll
Find it together but I don’t have the same kind of

Motivation as you, you seem so blue in its absence but
I really couldn’t care less, I’ve been living in shades of grey
And you’ll be ok once the sickness has passed, just don’t
Ask any stupid questions like, why me? Being dramatic

Only stunts company and no one wants to hang around
With a drama queen, and I don’t expect you to hold your
Breath and scower the rest of the earth looking for mine
And I can’t comprehend why you can’t ask a better ‘friend’

To help you out, only maybe you don’t have any, too devote
To this thing, shiny little object you claim gives you wings, it
Must be cause mine are clipped, you tell me, and you amble
On towards whatever form of serenity you can find and I’m

No use anyways, I’m pretty blind from these years of muted
Colours, wait until you see the others, and your interjection
Is more of a nuisance than the rain, I can’t expect to stay sane
If I remain around you for much longer, your longing for it is

So much stronger than mine, I can’t promise you that we’ll find
It, but you switch off your hearing, a reflex I guess of fear for
What’s going to come, the breakdown when you can’t locate
Your happiness, but you get used to it, I promise, but again,

Ears closed, it would be easier just to let it go, I remind you
Yet again radio silence, and I can’t find this amusing cause
My laughter was torn from my lips when they implanted those
Metal bits, how can you live like this? Sighing I show you around

To the scrapyard, are you proud of this life? I shrug my shoulders,
The thought had never crossed my mind, I can help, I suggest,
And the pain must be too much cause you nod your head, so I
Help pick out the metal from the display and get to work on

Your new face, take out your eyes and replace them with wires
And LED lights, better? I fit a new arm. Almost. A new leg. Not
Quite. A new heart. Maybe? A new brain. It’s gone. The pain?
I don’t miss it at all. Well, there we go, now help me with the

Next haul, and we carry the pieces of metal away to convince
The next wanderer of their fate.

Sleep

The day is tedious and the night haunts me
With what my life could be, a mirror image
Fantasy of living, and every morning I wake
Up livid that this is not the case, and it becomes
A race to when its dark enough outside to sleep
And the hours between the shrill beep of an alarm
Clock, I don’t stop and think about how quickly
Reality passes by, because this reality is not mine
And I prefer the faces in my dreams far better than
The ones around me, they spill adventure from their

Veins and everything is just a game with no consequence
Why can’t I wake up to this, for one simple day, I would
Gladly trade anything in my possession, communion dress
And friendly letters from across the sea, and it isn’t a case
Of what you might believe, it’s what I know, hear and see in
My mind, a town so similar to mine but completely different
Because here I am free, I am laughing, I am giddy with joy
And then sensation comes rushing back, fingers twitch and
Aching back and eyelids snap and eyes adjust, disappointment
Is a must every time, I get tired of waiting in line for my happy
Dreams to make me smile